Fighting Words

This is a touchy subject, whether or not addiction is a disease or a choice, but after engaging in a heated debate on Facebook I decided it is necessary for me to express my views on the topic. And, for the record, all of my views are supported by facts, science, experience, and the most recent research available. Addiction is not a choice, nor is it a typical disease. It is more akin to a disorder, a learning disorder, to be specific. It effects the brain in much the same way as autism or attention deficit disorders would. There is something different about the addict brain in comparison to other brains. We are wired differently from birth, but our choices determine whether or not we become hindered by that disparity, what types of addictions we develop, and how severe the affliction becomes as it progresses. That is not the same as saying addiction is a choice because it is surely not.  What I'm saying is that an element of choice is involved. But just in case there are a few na...

The other night I was driving home from my my dad's house and a thought crossed my mind: "When was the last time you felt a passion for living?" This was a strange thought for me because I am a very passionate person by nature...I have strong convictions, aspirations to help society, and the unshakeable reputation of an indefatigable optimist. So to wonder, even to myself, when was the last time I felt truly inspired about living, was troubling to me. But really, what do we have in this drab, materialistic existence to feel passionate about on a daily basis? So many of us go to work day in and day out at jobs we can barely tolerate, just to scrape up enough change to pay our stacks of bills and feed the debt monkey on our backs. Most of us can't even afford to take a day off, much less take our kids to Disneyworld.  We go into debt to put Christmas gifts under the tree...we can't afford to be sick, and if we do get sick we can't afford to see a doctor. Sque...

I know I've been gone a while...I was losing the fight for a few months, now I'm in yet another treatment program, getting my mind right, refocusing.  I hate this shit.  I wish it was easier, but it's not.  And I can't expect it to ever be... I am an addict and I am in love with another addict.  I have anxiety, depression, and PTSD, and I am in love with someone with depression, anxiety, and ADD.  We are both battling the demons of dual-diagnosis, and it fucking sucks.  It is a daily struggle, trying to be considerate of what the other person is going through, trying to be supportive while keeping each other accountable, trying not to trigger one another and still express how we feel and what we need.  People ask me why I don't date someone who doesn't have the same issues as me...well, I've got a lot of answers to that question.  For starters, straight-laced people have a tendency to judge people like me, and I won't tolerate that.  I have ...

Some days you just want to say "fuck everything" and give up.  I feel like that a lot, but there's something in me that just won't allow me to do it.  I just can't quit, not even when it seems like I've fallen so hard there's no recovering from it.  Because I'm an indefatigable optimist.  I believe it's never too late, that you're never too far gone to come back to the light.  Even when it seems like nothing I do is ever good enough for anyone, I keep doing my thing. I don’t feel like I give myself enough credit for that innate determination, even though I’m sure it has saved my life more than once.   And no one else in the world is going to give me credit or validation, so it falls on me to recognize the value of my own character and celebrate the things I do well.   For someone with crippling self-esteem issues, this is not always easy.   I try to tell people that every day I don’t get high is a victory for me.   I don’t need to conquer ...

I know I've been gone a while...I have no good reason for not writing, but I do have a million excuses.  It's really all too painful and complicated and difficult to tell here, so I won't.  What matters is that I am alive, I am okay, and I am not giving up on anything...including this blog. Holidays mess me up.  I'm glad they're over.  I feel a sense of relief that I can go back to my normal day to day routine without extra days off, without the stress of shopping or attending multiple gatherings, without the memories and ghosts of Christmas' past following me around making me miserable.  Don't get me wrong, I'm not a Scrooge, I just get overwhelmed by it all.  I try my best to feel a sense of joy and gratitude...but I feel good when it is over.  We are four days into 2017 and I have felt stronger every day since the ball dropped.  That's a blessing, because I've felt weak far too often over the last two months.  So I guess it's a...

Life is fragile.     Life is fleeting.          Life is beautiful.                   Life is hard..... I have had so many reminders of these facts in the past week, it would be hard to write about anything else.  My mind is all over the place, and my heart is torn apart.  On Friday I witnessed some of the most precious and devastating moments shared by a family, and I know those memories will be burned into my mind forever.  My best friend since I was six years old stood vigil by her mother's hospital bed when I walked in, her sister sat in a chair at the foot of the bed, and her father- a man who was the kind of husband they write fairy tales about- was lying next to her in the bed, his forehead pressed to hers, his arms around her, his lips uttering the promises she needed to hear before she could find h...

I have a lot on my mind today, but I cannot articulate it all here.  It is all too much to put on paper.  But I have been meaning to post a paper I wrote about the War on Drugs a couple years ago, because I feel like it deserves more exposure than it has had thus far.  There's no need to preface it with anything...it speaks for itself.  (Names have been changed to protect the individuals involved) *************   On November 22 nd , 2011 at 11:03PM, 23-year-old *Taylor Hopp got the best heroin of his life.  Taylor had been hooked on heroin for over two years, but in the months leading up to that night he had attempted to quit using several times.  He tried to get into treatment programs for months, and finally did in June 2011.  But, after three months in a suboxone program, Taylor’s girlfriend of three years left him.  Taylor began to drink daily, and eventually he lost his job and his insurance, and subsequently, his suboxone program. ...