Fighting Words

Some days you just want to say "fuck everything" and give up.  I feel like that a lot, but there's something in me that just won't allow me to do it.  I just can't quit, not even when it seems like I've fallen so hard there's no recovering from it.  Because I'm an indefatigable optimist.  I believe it's never too late, that you're never too far gone to come back to the light.  Even when it seems like nothing I do is ever good enough for anyone, I keep doing my thing. I don’t feel like I give myself enough credit for that innate determination, even though I’m sure it has saved my life more than once.   And no one else in the world is going to give me credit or validation, so it falls on me to recognize the value of my own character and celebrate the things I do well.   For someone with crippling self-esteem issues, this is not always easy.   I try to tell people that every day I don’t get high is a victory for me.   I don’t need to conquer ...

I know I've been gone a while...I have no good reason for not writing, but I do have a million excuses.  It's really all too painful and complicated and difficult to tell here, so I won't.  What matters is that I am alive, I am okay, and I am not giving up on anything...including this blog. Holidays mess me up.  I'm glad they're over.  I feel a sense of relief that I can go back to my normal day to day routine without extra days off, without the stress of shopping or attending multiple gatherings, without the memories and ghosts of Christmas' past following me around making me miserable.  Don't get me wrong, I'm not a Scrooge, I just get overwhelmed by it all.  I try my best to feel a sense of joy and gratitude...but I feel good when it is over.  We are four days into 2017 and I have felt stronger every day since the ball dropped.  That's a blessing, because I've felt weak far too often over the last two months.  So I guess it's a...