2017...Who's With Me?

I know I've been gone a while...I have no good reason for not writing, but I do have a million excuses.  It's really all too painful and complicated and difficult to tell here, so I won't.  What matters is that I am alive, I am okay, and I am not giving up on anything...including this blog.

Holidays mess me up.  I'm glad they're over.  I feel a sense of relief that I can go back to my normal day to day routine without extra days off, without the stress of shopping or attending multiple gatherings, without the memories and ghosts of Christmas' past following me around making me miserable.  Don't get me wrong, I'm not a Scrooge, I just get overwhelmed by it all.  I try my best to feel a sense of joy and gratitude...but I feel good when it is over.  We are four days into 2017 and I have felt stronger every day since the ball dropped.  That's a blessing, because I've felt weak far too often over the last two months.  So I guess it's a good start, right?

I have terrible self-esteem issues.  I hate to type that and own it, but it is true.  I don't know how to believe in myself and my abilities on a consistent basis.  I'm more of the mind that yes, I'm good at a lot of things, but it won't matter when I perpetrate some royal fuck-up later down the line, as I inevitably always do.  Or always have.  I know I can break that cycle, I can think myself out of those self-fulfilling prophecies before they ruin me.  I can do a lot of things. 
But I don't. 

It's pretty messed up, actually...to know exactly what's wrong with you, what you need to change, how you can be happy, and to willfully do nothing about it.  I have done that.  I still do that.  It's because I'm a hardheaded, stubborn asshole who wants to do what I want when I want how I want, without anyone else's suggestions or input or ideas guiding the way.  I'm a selfish bitch who wants all the credit and/or all the blame.  It's a stupid way to live, admittedly, but I still catch myself doing it.  And it rarely gets me anywhere.  So I don't want to be like that anymore.

My goals for 2017 are simple: Be grateful.  Do my best.  Practice humility.  Learn how to take direction.  Keep my freedom.  Laugh all the time.  Love more.  Appreciate those who love me and who support me.  Single-handedly destroy Donald Trump's presidency.

Who's with me?

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