I'm Not High Today

Some days you just want to say "fuck everything" and give up.  I feel like that a lot, but there's something in me that just won't allow me to do it.  I just can't quit, not even when it seems like I've fallen so hard there's no recovering from it.  Because I'm an indefatigable optimist.  I believe it's never too late, that you're never too far gone to come back to the light.  Even when it seems like nothing I do is ever good enough for anyone, I keep doing my thing.

I don’t feel like I give myself enough credit for that innate determination, even though I’m sure it has saved my life more than once.  And no one else in the world is going to give me credit or validation, so it falls on me to recognize the value of my own character and celebrate the things I do well.  For someone with crippling self-esteem issues, this is not always easy.  I try to tell people that every day I don’t get high is a victory for me.  I don’t need to conquer the world or get a raise or win $1000 on a scratch off…all I need to do is steer clear of the gaping hole in which my vices lie, and that is reason enough to celebrate the day and be grateful.  Because it is not easy to do that.  In fact, it is the hardest thing I have ever done in my life.  Staying sober…

I want to get high all the time.  Not just when things are bad, but when they’re good, when I’m bored, when I’m tired, when I’m anxious, when I’m alone, when I’m with people, when I’m at work, when I’m at church, when I’m in therapy…the list goes on and on.  I’ve been struggling especially hard at work lately, trying not to let a supervisor’s attitude get to me.  It is a major trigger, being treated like you are inadequate and spoken to like a child and looked at like you have a communicable disease.  This is my work day in a nutshell, and the kicker to it is that I know I'm good at my job.  I'm not perfect every day, but who is?  I try not to let things bother me too much, because what the people at work don't understand is that I am fighting a constant battle in my head, and it's life or death.  The old me and the new me are ever at odds, and the fact that I'm even able to get up and go to work every day and function like a responsible adult, even with this perpetual chaos in my mind, is nothing short of miraculous.  No one else may see it that way, but I do.  Because I know the alternative, and I know how easily it could all be lost. 

So I'm giving myself some kudos today.  I made it to work, I did my job effectively and efficiently, I paid some bills, and I'm not high.  Maybe that's not good enough for the world...but fuck the world.  It's good enough for me. 

Hope you're all feeling good enough, and remember to give yourselves some credit every once in a while.  Later...

Comments

  1. UnknownJanuary 18, 2017 at 4:23 PM

    It's good enough, Jules. One day at a time. Remember that beautiful little boy who loves you more than anybody else in his world. That alone makes continuing to fight your fight worthwhile. I can think of a few others to whom you mean an awful lot too. :-)

    ReplyDelete

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