What's "Wrong" with Me

For the past two decades of my life I have been constantly on the receiving end of messages telling me that there is something wrong with me.  I heard it from my parents growing up, when I stopped being their perfect little angel daughter.  I heard it from my friends as an adolescent and a teenager, when my behavior didn't conform to what was "cool" at the time.  I heard it from just about every man I ever dated.  Then I became a heroin addict, and that became the perfect scapegoat for my "wrongness."  Everything I did that was not deemed socially acceptable, every character defect I possessed, every bad behavior I engaged in was automatically attributed to the fact that I was a junkie.  I went to jail, to rehab, to church, to therapists, to doctors, to psychiatrists...all of them agreed that there was something wrong with me.  "Yes, Juli, you are not right in the head.  You are 'off.'  You don't belong anywhere, you only fit in with the other 'off' people in the world, the degenerates.  We cannot fix you, and good luck doing it on your own, without joining some type of thinly veiled religious cult that can properly brainwash you..."  Those are the kinds of messages I received as a young adult, and they stuck with me for many years.  They reinforced those old beliefs I'd developed in my youth, the belief that for nearly 20 years there has been something irreconcilably defective about me...
Not a good recipe for self-love and acceptance, right?  Right.

I have done a number of things to "fix" myself over the years, thinking that I'd one day magically feel all better and have a beautiful life, free of old worries and doubts...lol.  (No, I really believed that...it wasn't me being facetious.)  Needless to say, that never happened.  I have successfully completed any number of treatment programs, I have attended support groups, I have doped myself up on medication, I have done one-on-one therapy, I have stopped using drugs and alcohol, I have forgiven people who don't deserve it, I have gone to confession and been confirmed in a faith I'm not sold on, I have listened to people who claim to be like me and have found happiness...I have tried everything. But I have never felt normal.  I have never felt right.  I have never felt comfortable or at home in the world.  And I have always wondered why that is, or if my only option is to get high so I can at least be apathetic about the fact that I don't feel okay about life 99 percent of the time.  Honestly, I don't want to get high anymore, but the concept of not giving a rat's ass about anything for even a few hours is often very appealing.  Recently I heard someone say that you have to possess a certain amount of "I don't give a f*ck" attitude in order to survive life.  I think that's one of the most insightful and intelligent things I have ever heard.  Now if only I could practice it...

About three weeks ago I had a moment of radical self-acceptance that has totally changed the way I think about all those things that are "wrong" with me.  This moment was a gift from someone who cares about me very much, and I must say that I am so grateful to that person for the life-altering feedback they gave me.  We may feel at times that our words of encouragement and advice to others don't mean anything, but that is far from true.  Sometimes one sentence can change a person's life, or one smile can save a person's life.  You never know.  So keep offering yourself to others in this way, don't hold back.

So you're probably wondering what profound piece of wisdom I was given that changed my perspective so drastically, and I will tell you.  I was venting to someone about a recovery group I felt forced to attend, talking about how I didn't feel like it was the right place for me even though I know I'm all screwed up in the head.  That person then went on to remind me that everyone has issues, no one in the world is "normal."  It is a relative term.  Then he said, "There is so much wrong with the world...there is nothing wrong with you."  One sentence...fourteen words that shattered two decades of irrational beliefs and self-doubt.  There is nothing wrong with me...

There is nothing wrong with me.
 I am not perfect, but I am no better or worse than anyone else.  I have problems, issues, crazy shit in my head...everyone does.  I have a horrible past...who cares?  I have to take medication to stay on track...lots of people do.  There is nothing wrong with that.  There is nothing wrong with them.
There is nothing wrong with me.
That, right there, is empowerment.

I hope you all know right now in this moment that there is nothing wrong with you.

Thanks for listening.

XOXO

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